So, I’ve never actually met Xina Giatas. Not in person, anyway. We once shared the same Williamsburg, Brooklyn, neighborhood but only really began conversing on Twitter after I’d moved south to a Prospect Park brownstone with my then-girlfriend. We’ve spoken on the phone just three times in as many years. I can’t even be sure she’s real. Judging by the photos I’ve seen of her, Xina Giatas is a time-traveler brought here from the 1950s by a prestigious NYC ad firm to be the spokesperson for incredible hair and creamy skin. I wrote and texted her the following TV Guide summaries for her very own action adventure series during the course of our friendship after she mentioned her love of foxes, vinyl, vodka, and pizza with truffle oil and mushrooms.
TONIGHT: (Pilot) ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina re-organizes her vinyl collection by color. Fox brushes his teeth. (Gene Simmons guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ When Manhattan is threatened by a cyber-enhanced monkey army, Xina decides that now would be a good time to visit Rhode Island. Fox encounters his latent telekinetic ability. (David Bowie guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina opens a detective agency to solve neighborhood mysteries. Fox makes a car payment. (Willie Nelson guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Tempers flare when Fox refuses to cap the toothpaste after he’s used it. Xina tries out for an all-girl hockey team. (Jello Biafra guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina goes on a date with a pizza. Fox wins big in the Cash Cab and takes everyone out for drinks. (Edward Furlong guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina goes undercover as a nun at a remote mountain monastery where the monks are smuggling stolen diamonds. Fox launches a daring hot air balloon rescue when her cover is blown. (Al Jorgensen guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina gets engaged to a pizza. Fox is forced to go undercover as a cab driver to thwart a prostitution ring. (Lemmy Kilmister guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina’s latent pyrokinetic ability surfaces, burning her pizza fiancé to a crisp. Fox loses an eyebrow. (PJ Harvey, musical guest star)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina halts a counterfeit penguin ring preying on cruise ship passengers along Alaska’s Inside Passage. Fox burns the Thanksgiving turkey and orders take out Chinese. (Iggy Pop, musical guest star)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina bumps her head on the medicine cabinet door and unlocks her long dormant alter-ego, a Russian super-spy named Mia. Fox orders out for pizza. (Lemmy Kilmeister guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina does her hair while Fox types away at his first novel; a dystopian tale of a world where hip-hop never existed. (Lars Ulrich guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina takes bathroom selfies on a train ride. Fox wins a spot on a game show but his winning streak is cruelly cut short when it’s revealed that he’s actually a common fox with no grasp of human speech, or trivia. (Stephen Fry guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Fox, still reeling from his humiliating mistreatment by a bullying game show host, builds a rocket ship, fills it with potato chips and comic books, and prepares for a one-way trip to Mars. Xina offers friendly advice and shares her pizza. (Lenny Kravitz, musical guest star)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Fox departs in his comic-stocked rocket ship on a quest to find his people. Xina calls in a favor and throws him a farewell party. (Henry Rollins guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina goes for a ride around Manhattan in a glass-bottomed helicopter sipping mint juleps. Fox deals with technical difficulties aboard his rocket, now hurtling through deep space. (Leelee Sobieski guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina goes under cover to the set of a cooking show in order to foil counterfeit truffle smugglers. A cosmic freak of nature lands Fox on Mars weeks ahead of schedule. (Ewan McGregor guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina fights to save an orphanage by using her spy skills in the UFC ring. Fox makes a new friend on Mars and sends Xina a postcard. (Edward Norton guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Fox meets the King of Mars and finds some common ground. Xina gets involved with a handsome MI6 agent and has to decide between him or pizza. (Daniel Craig guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina treats herself to a relaxing day of acupuncture and sushi. Fox enjoys a splendid picnic of cucumber sandwiches, potato salad and dandelion wine at the base of Olympic Mons. (Samuel L. Jackson guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina roams the city streets in search of meaning and pizza. Fox readies his rocket ship for the return to Earth, but is the Earth ready for Fox? (Social Distortion, musical guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ It’s a very different Fox that opens the hatch when his rocket ship touches down in Prospect Park. Xina throws him a welcome home party and does her best to ignore the glowing eyes. (Trent Reznor guest stars)
TONIGHT: On the season finale of ‘Xina and The Fox,’ Fox, recently home from Mars, pays a friendly visit to his arch-nemesis the game show host and forgives his earlier transgressions with mind bullets. Xina decides she’s basically gonna walk the Earth. “You know, like Cain in Kung Fu; walk from place to place, meet people, get in adventures.” (Stephen Fry guest stars)
TONIGHT: On the season premiere of ‘Xina and The Fox,’ Xina returns from her brief stint as an Indy car driver and finds Fox working part time in an occult store, struggling to come to terms with his new Martian identity. (David Duchovny guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina is on the run when the Agency wants to confine her to a secret underground compound for wayward agents. Fox acquires a smack habit. (Lou Reed guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina is reluctantly paired with a double-crossing convict who claims he can permanently clear her debt with the Agency. Fox: thongs, bongs, and a missing $800. (Courtney Love guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina takes the night off to do her nails. Fox hosts an old Army buddy who is not what he seems. (Bruce Willis guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina takes a modeling gig to persuade a former KGB agent to delete her Russian handler, once and for all. Fox sets out to foil a nuclear threat at the U.S. Embassy in the Bahamas and winds up on a whiskey bender, loosening his grip on his latent telekinetic abilities. (Ozzy Osbourne guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Shit gets real when Xina survives a car bomb planted by her Russian handler who wants her super-spy alter ego “Mia” back on the payroll — or in the ground. Fox buys a motorcycle helmet. (Tricky guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina gets the goods on her Russian handler and exposes him to the Agency, who promise to leave “Mia” alone for now. Fox buys another motorcycle helmet. (Rick Rubin guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Mia’s estranged Russian handler comes in for the kill while Xina is enjoying the sights from atop the Empire State Building. Fox buys another motorcycle helmet. (William Shatner guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Rid of her handler at last, Xina goes out for victory pizza only to have her latent pyrotechnic ability surface yet again. Fox experiences a moment of clarity. (The Strokes, musical guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Fox explores trancendental meditation and sensory deprivation tanks in an effort to rid himself of the ghost of Mars and get his life back on track. Xina eats a delicious sandwich on a relaxing train ride and takes some selfies in the bathroom. (Liz Phair guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Free at last of his Martian ghost, Fox is swindled by a cab driver who refuses to take him to Brooklyn, fully unleashing Fox’s telekinetic abilities and causing tremendous damage to the cab. Xina scores big at the thrift store. (Ozzy Osbourne guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ The police launch a citywide manhunt in search of a dangerous and telekinetic Fox. Xina orders in Cuban for a change. (Ray Liotta guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Fox finds sanctuary with a group of Minutemen in the Northern Adirondacks, but clashes with their leader. Xina’s plans for a weeklong getaway to Iceland are hampered when the Agency calls in a favor. (Bjork guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ Xina agrees to one last mission as “Mia” in exchange for a full pardon for Fox, who in turn agrees to a deadly game of mumbletypeg with the psychotic leader of the Minutemen. (Milla Jovovich guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ “Mia” thwarts a plot to assassinate the President and makes a new friend. Awkward tension mounts in the Minutemens’ secret camp when Fox phones in an order for halal. (Moby guest stars)
TONIGHT: ‘Xina and The Fox.’ “Mia” steals a helicopter and stages a daring rescue raid on the Minutemen camp, but Fox has a few loose ends to tie off first. (Bruce Dickinson guest stars)
TONIGHT: On the season finale of ‘Xina and The Fox,’ Xina, free of the Agency’s grip, makes it back to the city in time for happy hour and dance class. Fox, fully pardoned for his telekinetic crimes, buys a fake mustache and gets a job at a record store, happy to have his life back. But will it last? (El-P guest stars)
You can follow Xina’s real life exploits here:
Work site – xinagiatas.com
Tumblr – xinagiatas.tumblr.com/
IG – instagram.com/blonderexic
Twitter – https://twitter.com/blonderexic
Podcast – http://www.rawmeetradio.com/
This Too Shall Pass 