Bleating Hearts

In the dream, I was doing a favor for Billy Dee Williams. At 79 years, he was getting tired of being harassed by an obnoxious Star Wars fan in a Greedo mask who kept demanding that Williams drink Colt 45 with him and answer inane questions about Cloud City. I offered to meet the fan […]

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Commercial break.

The gutters of the subways full of spent phone cards and burner phones… swarms of MacBooks in coffee houses piloted by barefoot hipsters dressed fashionably poor while sporting thousands of dollars in tattoo flash like racing team coveralls.

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Reach out, touch space.

“Welcome to wherever, the local time is about what you expect it to be.” Sometimes I catch sight of myself at other departure lounges boarding other planes. I exchange a knowing smile with myself; we hoist our identical travel mugs and part ways.

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Waiting for the wormwood.

The great Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying “After the first glass of absinthe you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world…”

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Quick sketch for an infomercial

<WANTED: CLUMSY OAF to fail at everything for informercial. Auditions held for NUCLEAR FAMILY. Minor speaking roles throughout. Horrified expressions a pre-requisite.>

NARRATOR: “Do you never seem to have a place to put breakfast?”

(SHOT: DREARY B&W) Kitchen. Actor pours milk and cereal simultaneously over an empty countertop; both products spill and slop everywhere. Behind him, his disappointed family slump at the table, huddled around a candle, their faces in their hands, looking expectant, rolling eyes, or bored. Actor drops the half empty box and remaining gallon of milk to the floor, makes discouraged face, shrugs.

NARRATOR: “Well, now you can, with new BOWL!”

(SHOT: VIVID COLOR) A common silver mixing bowl. Modern furnishings. Clean cut nuclear family crowd around BOWL, nodding enthusiastically, slapping each other on the back, skipping, clapping. Wife gives husband an appreciative look, her face upturned in wholesome admiration.

(SHOT: VIVID COLOR) Actor pours cereal and milk into BOWL, nodding gives THUMBS UP!

ACTOR: “Thanks, BOWL!”

NARRATOR: “New BOWL has a patented curving content barrier that goes all the way around! It’s got an inside and an outside! And that bottom is flat, so it sits level EVERY TIME!”

NARRATOR: “And now from the makers of BOWL comes new SPOON!”

(SHOT: DREARY B&W) Same actor eating cereal from BOWL with his cupped hands; milk drips, spilling all over his shirt, fumbles with BOWL like a cat with a toy as he makes a horrified expression. BOWL winds up on the floor. Sad face, frustrated gesture, fists to the sky, shaking his head. No cereal for family who were waiting in line to take a slog from BOWL. Lone candle blows out. Oh, no!

NARRATOR: “That’s right, new SPOON!”

(SHOT: VIVID COLOR) Common tablespoon. Same family applauding, maneuvering SPOON around like an airplane.

NARRATOR: “Invented by former NASA test pilots for dining in normal Earth gravity environments, new SPOON takes the place of all these common utensils!”

(SHOT: DREARY B&W) Chopsticks, a can opener, a crescent wrench, housekeys, a dog leash, a sex toy, a folded magazine.

(SHOT: VIVID COLOR) Family sitting around table eating an enormous buffet of cereal. Man invited STUFFY BOSS CHARACTER to dinner to impress him; boss gives man the thumbs up. The promotion is secured! Wife claps excitedly.

CHORUS: “Thanks, SPOON!”


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