Quick sketch for an infomercial

<WANTED: CLUMSY OAF to fail at everything for informercial. Auditions held for NUCLEAR FAMILY. Minor speaking roles throughout. Horrified expressions a pre-requisite.>

NARRATOR: “Do you never seem to have a place to put breakfast?”

(SHOT: DREARY B&W) Kitchen. Actor pours milk and cereal simultaneously over an empty countertop; both products spill and slop everywhere. Behind him, his disappointed family slump at the table, huddled around a candle, their faces in their hands, looking expectant, rolling eyes, or bored. Actor drops the half empty box and remaining gallon of milk to the floor, makes discouraged face, shrugs.

NARRATOR: “Well, now you can, with new BOWL!”

(SHOT: VIVID COLOR) A common silver mixing bowl. Modern furnishings. Clean cut nuclear family crowd around BOWL, nodding enthusiastically, slapping each other on the back, skipping, clapping. Wife gives husband an appreciative look, her face upturned in wholesome admiration.

(SHOT: VIVID COLOR) Actor pours cereal and milk into BOWL, nodding gives THUMBS UP!

ACTOR: “Thanks, BOWL!”

NARRATOR: “New BOWL has a patented curving content barrier that goes all the way around! It’s got an inside and an outside! And that bottom is flat, so it sits level EVERY TIME!”

NARRATOR: “And now from the makers of BOWL comes new SPOON!”

(SHOT: DREARY B&W) Same actor eating cereal from BOWL with his cupped hands; milk drips, spilling all over his shirt, fumbles with BOWL like a cat with a toy as he makes a horrified expression. BOWL winds up on the floor. Sad face, frustrated gesture, fists to the sky, shaking his head. No cereal for family who were waiting in line to take a slog from BOWL. Lone candle blows out. Oh, no!

NARRATOR: “That’s right, new SPOON!”

(SHOT: VIVID COLOR) Common tablespoon. Same family applauding, maneuvering SPOON around like an airplane.

NARRATOR: “Invented by former NASA test pilots for dining in normal Earth gravity environments, new SPOON takes the place of all these common utensils!”

(SHOT: DREARY B&W) Chopsticks, a can opener, a crescent wrench, housekeys, a dog leash, a sex toy, a folded magazine.

(SHOT: VIVID COLOR) Family sitting around table eating an enormous buffet of cereal. Man invited STUFFY BOSS CHARACTER to dinner to impress him; boss gives man the thumbs up. The promotion is secured! Wife claps excitedly.

CHORUS: “Thanks, SPOON!”


Categories: Uncategorized Quote

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