06AUG08 – Wading through line after line of dense alphanumeric garbage, listening to Tool’s cover of ‘No Quarter’, I find myself dislocated, physically lost, wandering somewhere through the individual notes, moving between them like a strings of a beaded curtain. It’s a magic spell that lets me cast off every semblance of my life as I know it, in favor of the unknown… please, send me to McMurdo, Antarctica… send me to the end of the Earth, send me to the middle of nowhere and give me a simple job, one where I can see the sun and smell the sea again… I wasn’t meant to spend my days with my face against a computer screen sifting message traffic. I still have it in me to create, but I need to be removed from the pain that is my Here and Now. Too many memories, too many questions, questions that wouldn’t make a damn whether they were answered or not. None of this matters. For some reason, I find it impossible to order my arms and legs to pick my face up off the pavement in order to let me see the bigger picture. Something’s not working, like when you dream you’re being chased and your legs can’t properly touch the ground.
I hear the background jingle of keys and lunchtime patter; a microwave beeps, someone’s meal is finished… why is it that I feel the urge to create when I’m at work, and yet I sit for hours doing nothing while I’m at home? I still feel a sense of hope. This song drives into my soul, like Bruce Lee and his one-inch punch, striking me square in my still waters, brutally massaging the place I thought buried by scar tissue. If I could reduce this moment to a powder, place it in a talisman, carry it around on my neck, … something to hang onto, a reminder of who I am, who I still want to be. Dim memories of something I’m meant to remember, like a POW in his bamboo cage staring hard at a stained Polaroid of a little house, not entirely sure if it’s his house, but knowing it’s important somehow… a thread that leads out of his hands, out of the cage, through the jungle, across the sea…
Title does not dictate behavior.