Looking Forward Back

2008 was a hell of a year.

First off the curb, I left on the Longest Business Trip in History, not knowing I was saying goodbye to one of the great loves of my life. The phone call in April left me a mess for months. Even now, I long to call her up a hundred times a day just to hear her voice, just to say hello to a dear friend. However, I lack the strength to discover exactly how far she’s moved on, and with whom. Torturing myself is useless, and there will never be answers to all my questions. I keep thinking ‘it should have been me,’ but there were just too many strikes against us. We were too far apart, we wanted different things, etc. Dealing with that bomb blast left me isolated and wounded in my apartment for much of the Spring. I have few friends in this area to begin with.

When I poked my nose out late in the summer, I found I’d lost them all.

Early in the fall I met another woman; a bewitching Amazon with her own ghosts. Our first meeting was incendiary, the chemistry pure vertigo. Each time she smiled at me, I forgot how to breathe. When she said ‘hello’, time stopped. She set me on fire, and expanded my horizons. For awhile things were good, but the see-saw of a relationship is seldom level. First she chased me, then we were level, then I chased her. Then I dropped the “L” word. Soon after, she jumped off the see-saw all together and stormed off across the playground, vowing never to contact me again. It had been six weeks. ‘You fell in love with love,’ she insisted dismissively, and berated herself for doing the same. I still had too much sadness about me, and my life was frozen in place. I was going nowhere. I miss her like crazy, but she ain’t coming back.

My longest project to date continues to bear little fruit – the sci-fi novel that has taken me seven years to write received a rejection letter from Tor Publishing. There is still hope, I have other plans.

I start back to college in January, working to finish my Bachelor’s of Science in Communications, and hopefully take it further. Masters degrees are a dime a dozen anymore, and experience alone will not save me in the end.

Transfer season is coming up, and I’m Number One With a Bullet. Word on the street says I’m Florida bound, but nothing has been confirmed. I look forward to leaving my ghosts behind, making a new start of things. Another chance to re-invent myself, keep my mouth shut, and my head held high.

I’ve been working out like a fiend, partially out of boredom, and I look better than I have in ages. I continue to lose weight, and build up my back, chest and arms. I’m also investigating the possibility of Lasik eye surgery. It’s time to come out from behind the glasses. I had to give up Capoeira because they kept slipping off my face. I imagine what it will be like to run without them, go swimming, buy nice sunglasses…

Headed north to see my Padawan soon. He’s growing like a weed!

All in all, this year has been a learning experience. I was forced to ask myself a lot of hard questions, and provide answers to same. I made some new friends, the kind who keep me going on dark days. True fame is measured in happiness, in friends, in health. Money goes up in flames, fine cars get wrapped around trees. Sometimes the voice on the other end of the phone can give you what you need when you don’t know where to look for it in yourself.

I am optimistic; young, healthy, intelligent, energetic, hygienic, debt-free, employed and reasonably attractive. In addition, I have food in the fridge, and a bed to sleep in. That’s more than a lot of people have.

Time for a pot of red beans and rice, and my new copy of ‘The Watchmen‘.

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